issa mommy
My baby’s first pair of shoes.
Pregnancy is hard. Motherhood is harder. Rediscovering yourself postpartum is the hardest! I knew the first two would be a challenge, but gyat damn! I was not prepared for the last one. I had a tough pregnancy, from not even knowing I was pregnant (thought I had food poisoning) to dealing with hyperemesis my entire pregnancy and, really just feeling so defeated at times. It’s really hard to explain but when you’re pregnant, it’s so lonely. No one can help you get through it and there’s nothing you can do until that little baby is no longer growing in your body.
There were so many nights where I would just sit in bed and feel so angry. I was miserable. I couldn’t sleep. I’ve never been able to really enjoy sleeping, but pregnancy insomnia is the worst! Lightning crotch was tearing me up. Once your belly grows, sleeping gets worse! There are no comfortable positions. I was sick everyday. I couldn’t eat anything without feeling nauseous. My feet swell and grew 2-3 sizes. Of course, my clothes didn’t fit. I looked and felt terrible everyday. I was congested. Ugh the misery!
However, knowing I would get to meet the little rockstar that stayed up with me all night is what kept me smiling.
A week after I saw the two lines (which really only looks like one), I immediately bought these Rick Owens. LOL. I didn’t even know the sex of my child yet, but I couldn’t help myself. They were just too cute to pass up! I think they were on sale at the time, too. Lol. I just wanted something that solidified that moment for me and of course, I chose to do that through fashion. Why not?
I kept my pregnancy to myself for a few months and officially announced to everyone outside of my circle on Christmas. I wanted to enjoy those moments alone. I low key exposed myself beforehand because I wore this fitted dress (below) to my sister’s birthday celebration and she had posted a video of us. Lol. I always had a flat stomach so people were pointing out that I looked bloated or pregnant… how rude! But, I was pregnant and bloated lol. I didn’t think it was noticeable, but I guess it was. I wasn’t struggling with how my clothes fit at this time, and I was really excited that I could fit this dress with my miniature (but not so miniature) belly.
Dress Zara Shoes 3.1 Phillip Lim Bag Celine
Nothing really prepares you for pregnancy or motherhood. No matter how many pamphlets you read, or how many mothers you talk to. There is no path that is the same, so you literally just have to figure shit out and go with the flow everyday.
I couldn’t brush my teeth without gagging. I couldn’t sleep without chewing gum because the hypersalivation was so disgusting. I was even more forgetful than before. I felt so lonely even though I wasn’t alone. I hadn’t experienced any discomfort with my body until the very end, but we’ll get to that later. It was a lot to deal with at all times. I was just… miserable. The list goes on lol. I hated how unhappy I was because I wanted to really enjoy the experience (mainly because many women online made it seem like butterflies and sunshine). I briefly vlogged about my experience, but couldn’t keep up and stay consistent because I was just too sick to do anything some days. I was a very uninteresting, unattractive pregnant lady. (If you’d like to hear more about my pregnancy journey, you can watch my vlogs here.)
However, this day… I was a bad b*tch. Lol. I wasn’t feeling the best, but I felt cute. I bought this dress on sale from Zara on a late night, my usual time to peruse the shops online. I love the textured look and it had this ruching effect going on. It was a two-tone color, too, which was cool and gave it a 3D look. It married well with my lace up heels, my last time being able to wear a pair of heels during my pregnancy. Lol. It was also my last time being happy with my wardrobe, which sucked for me, because my wardrobe was literally my identity. Cliché, I know. But there was pride in my wardrobe… all of the things that made me feel like Jasmine was in that wardrobe. And during my pregnancy, I was slowly losing that. I did find one or two items that were in constant rotation during my pregnancy - a fuzzy hat from Target and sweatpants from Aerie. It wasn’t always a pretty sight when I threw these on, but I was comfy and that’s what mattered. Lol. I sought comfort in things that made me feel like myself in some form. It was very hard and it is still hard some days, but I am, and have always been, a work-in-progress.
Mommies - did you experience identity loss during your pregnancy or postpartum? How did you find your way back to you? Were there any fashion items that you grew to love due to your pregnancy that helped to maintain some parts of you? Would love to hear from you.
jassy